irons in the fire

A little bit of background info about me: Confrontation is one of my least favourite things. I tend to be at my happiest when the relationships in my life are in a state of harmony.

In recent weeks I have had a number of shocking encounters with emotions that I had rarely known in the past. I reacted with a mixture of bafflement and concern each time waves of anger and bitterness ebbed and flowed in my heart. The effect of each swell was paralyzing and as much as I tried to slap on band aids and remedy from the surface I realised that the root cause had to be my target if things were to change. The anger, bitterness and resentment that were seeping through my heart had grown from small offences that I had pushed out of sight and out of mind.

I found myself having to hark back to things that had happened weeks or even months ago in an attempt to clear my heart and reconnect with friends that I had started to distance myself from. These conversations felt more like potential crises as I fumbled into and through them but I learnt for myself what Allan K. Chalmers meant when he said, “Crises refine life. In them you discover what you are.” Beyond that I was reminded of the amazing people I have in my life, as friends opened their ears and hearts and received my delayed confessions with grace and love.

I am filled with gratitude for the people who time and again rekindle my spirit and my mind, for the friends who fill the phrase iron sharpens iron with life and for the minds who startle and challenge me. I have realised that these beautiful things only come into their fullness when I take courage and allow the light of truth to shine into my relationships through some good old fashioned confrontation and honesty. I am challenged to break out of my default mode of keeping quiet, gritting my teeth and processing internally. Saying what is on my mind and heart, even if it is imperfect, has the potential to bring such freedom and I want more of that.

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